Where Feet May Fail...Baby #2!

"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail..."
-"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail),"  Hillsong United

A lot has happened here since I last blogged. Not "a lot" as in many things, "a lot" as in one big thing.  One big thing that I'm not sure I'm big enough for, but God is. :-)

On November 6th, Jeff and I found out that we are expecting another baby.  Let me begin by saying that there is no "but" coming.  We are 23 weeks along and so far, we have  a totally healthy little one here, the "big thing" about this has nothing to with scary test results and grim prognoses, this is all about my own heart. 

This was ahead of schedule and we actually hadn't even officially made the decision yet that we wanted to be a two-kid family, so my heart was not ready for this news. Having grown up as an only child, the decision to have a second child was huge for me. Both my mom and her sister, my aunt with whom I am very close, chose to only have one child. Getting pregnant, being pregnant, and giving birth has come very easily to all of us (CLEARLY, ha!) and all of our families could have easily supported another child, but my mom and aunt realized it was not in their hearts to have more kids and I was feeling much the same.  Those of us descended from my Neeno throw all that we've got into loving others.  We've all quit our jobs and put our adult lives and careers on hold to raise our kids because we knew our hearts couldn't handle taking time away from our little ones, and that same condition of heart is what motivates the one-child choice. While love multiplies with the births of additional children, time and focus do not. CLEARLY having more than one child, sometimes SEVERAL children, is a valid and wonderful choice because MOST people do it.  I'm not questioning or challenging the validity of that, I'm just saying that that does not appear to be how the women in my family are wired.  My mom and my aunt decided that they were not wired to have more than one child, and I was feeling the same way.  Still am, as it turns out, because I never ACTUALLY made up my mind that I was ready for it.

Unlike with Cam, I did not want to see the word "PREGNANT" on that danged stick.  It wasn't ready for it. I prayed and prayed that the faint line I had seen on the test earlier was a blue dye error.  "Blue dye is notorious for false positives," my friend Shawna told me, and to that I clung. So, I optimistically bought a multi-pack of the digital tests from Wal-Mart, the ones that say "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT," thinking that when this test was negative, I could use the others in the future. Nope.  Pregnant first try.  I passed on the four remaining tests to a close friend of mine.

I had thought about what I would do if that were the result, and I had assumed I would collapse into sobs of panic.  I assumed I would be devastated by this cataclysmic shit of mind and heart being thrust onto me- plus, I was unexpectedly pregnant. That just does NOT happen when you're me, we plan these things, take all precautions, such things are for other people. Not proper, not proper at all! :-)

But in the minutes, seconds even, that followed the result, a peace came over my heart.  I FELT myself in God's hand as He gently whispered to my heart, "I took this burden from you, my love.  The choice was made for you and I have given you the gift of full confidence that this is not of you, but of Me. Whatever happens, this is MY doing.  I have given you the gift of full assuredness that this is My will for you, for Cam, for Jeff, for your family, and for this child.  I didn't ask you to listen and discern, I'm not asking you to trust, I'm handing this to you."   I felt so loved, because I knew that it was true. I knew that whichever way I decided, if I had made the decision  I always would have questioned it.  I had anticipated it would be a journey of discerning God's will and then living in the trust that I had done well, but He never even asked it of me!  He relieved me of that work, that burden.  His grace astounds me, it's always so perfect, so complete, so tailored to ME, and it's always a better solution than I ever could have thought of or prayed for.

It didn't just end there in an explosion of sunshine and rainbows from heaven.  Shortly thereafter, I started to feel awful and from that stemmed a struggle with attitude and emotions. So nauseous, so tired...much more so than with Cam.  I had my thyroid checked IMMEDIATELY after finding out I was pregnant and my dosage of Synthroid was upped...and then six weeks later upped again...and then again six weeks later...so as it turns out, I wasn't just first trimester sick, my thyroid had dipped REALLY low as well, which is common in early pregnancy for those with low-functioning thyroids. We limped through the holidays, Jeff dragging Cam and me along with him through brute strength of love and sheer willpower.  I've never been so compromised in my ability to do my "job" and Jeff handled it with such grace and strength. I was miserable, my holidays were miserable and I began to feel bitter.  I was resentful that here came another reason for me to put my needs on hold, ruining my life already, and I didn't even WANT a big family.   And boy, did that make me feel even worse. I'm part of a very tight-knit online Mommies' community and many of my sisters in that group are struggling to get pregnant with their second, struggled to get pregnant with their first, lost deeply-wanted babies to miscarriage or still-birth, or have had to accept for medical reasons that they can't have another baby no matter how badly they want one- and here was me, feeling bitter and resentful because I had gotten pregnant without even trying.  And yet there, I was having these feelings.

The new year and the first signs of spring have started to bring relief. First of all, I'm feeling WAY better, and despite a tidbit of lingering nausea and some extra fatigue, I'm feeling like me and can enjoy my life despite being pregnant.  We've been able to make improvements around the house, which has also improved my quality of life.

And also, we had our 20 week anatomy scan and everything looked normal and healthy and...

Our baby is a girl.

That fact alone is just so totally perfect on so many levels. I would have been thrilled to give Cam a brother, Jeff just adores his two younger brothers and I would have loved for Cam to have that experience. But this is more perfect than that.  When we found out that Cam was a boy, it was somehow the most perfect thing in the world, and this feels EXACTLY like that. It fits, it's right,  she's our girl. 

So now both Jeff and I are in uncharted waters.  I grew up an only child, so I have no schema for raising two kids.  Jeff grew up in a family of boys, so he has no schema for raising girls.  I still have a knot in my stomach as I think about those early days of being so focused on her, her taking up so much of my time and me not getting my fill of Cam and him not getting his fill of me- it nags at me.

But the other morning in church, God spoke to me again.  I was onstage in church, singing with the worship team, getting ready to sing the above-mentioned song, "Oceans," by Hillsong, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that THAT song for me is about having a second baby.

http://youtu.be/-8mZpGj29qw

"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail."

I've been called to something where my own feet may fail me.  I'm like Peter, standing in the boat in Matthew 14:29, with Jesus asking me to follow him out onto the water and I have no idea how this is supposed to work.  Peter takes his steps, begins to walk, and then as the storm rages around him, he gets distracted and sinks.  This could SO be me.  When baby girl is crying and needs me, Cam is feeling the stress of the change and needs me, my post-partum hormones are raging, I can see myself sinking. 

"And I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves..."

I need to be committed to NOT doing what Peter did. I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and remember that "Your grace abounds in deepest waters,"  God's grace shines the brightest when our challenges are greatest, the bigger the challenge the more grace can be found- both because He gives according to our need AND because we are most attuned to looking for it when we need it most.  I need to remember that, "You've never failed, and you won't start now."

"So I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves.  When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am yours and you are mine."

...and of course I am LEADING this song, in front of the whole church, me singing this BY MYSELF two seconds after this realization hits me.  I held it together, but I rushed the tempo and my voice broke twice.  If you knew what to look for, you totally could have seen it.

And that is where we are now.  We haven't picked out a name yet.  Her  middle name will be Audrey after my Neeno, but the first name is still not locked. But she is loved, she has a leg on her and kicks so hard her Daddy can feel it from the outside already!  Cam loves his "Sissoh" already, he knew it was a girl before we did. 

We are ready for this as a family.   Stay tuned.