Officially a SAHM!

For those who aren't familiar with the alphabet soup that is online Mommyhood, SAHM= Stay-at-Home Mom.   I've been home with Cam since he was first born, of course, but the first 12 weeks were maternity leave, then came summer when I would have been off anyway, but this week was back-to-work for my teaching colleagues, so this is REALLY the first week when I would have been putting Cam in day care of some sort if I had to go back. Let me tell you, it's weighing on my heart.  I feel tugs this week, it's been a tough week.  I feel the pangs of not going back to work, doing something I am GOOD at, and watching the days and weeks and months stretch out ahead of me without much shape to them, that's tough.

But, the BIGGEST thing that tugs at my heartstrings and brings tears to my eyes is when I think of what it would be like to leave Cam in daycare. To not be there to hold him if he fusses, to not be able to nurse him during the day, to sing to him and smile to him, to not be able to go to him if he misses me...I know babies do it all the time and that they learn to LOVE their daycares, the other babies there, and most importantly the wonderful adults who care for them in love all day. However,  I am pretty sure I am missing whatever gene it takes to be able to leave a baby all day, any woman who can is my hero.  I am pretty sure it would shatter me into a million little pieces and I would never recover.

I have wanted it MY WHOLE LIFE!  I remember in college, a guy I was in choir with found out I waned to stay home with my kids and was SO disappointed in me! He thought I was capable of so  much more and that I was more ambitious than that.  Really?  First of all, it was so incredibly much none of his business that it boggles the mind.  But, if we are GOING to dignify the inappropriateness of his having an opinion about this topic, let alone expressing it to me, with a response/explanation, anyone who REALLY knows me and knows how I am wired understands that I am fully aware of what I am capable of, what I am wired to contribute to the world, that I am chock full of ambition, and staying home with my children is a PART of that, not a conflict to it.  I am wired to want to care for others and to make their lives better.   I became a teacher because I wanted to be a part of helping as many kids grow up whole as possible.   So, wanting to be able to make my own kids my full-time job is a "duh!"  Now, I'm not saying that anyone who HAS to or CHOOSES to work is NOT devoting their lives to their children.  We all do the things in life that make the most sense in terms of who we are and the circumstances we have, and this just happens to be the thing that makes the most sense in terms of who I am and our circumstances.  I didn't step aside from my life's path to do this, I'm just moving into a new phase of it that makes perfect sense.

And let me tell you, I am blessed beyond measure to be able to do it and I know it.  I even feel a little guilty about it because I know so many other moms who would love to be in the position to be at home with their babies and kids, but their circumstances just don't allow for it.  There is nothing about me that makes me "deserve" this. I don't believe for a SECOND that I have "earned" this and others have not. Yes, I planned for it. I prayed for it, made financial decisions in my single days to allow for it, married a guy to whom it was important as well and we have worked our tails off as a couple and built our lives around it...but, really, how many other people can say the same and have had a different outcome?  How many others have planned and saved, and the something has come between them and being able to stay home with their kids?  A million things could have happened, ESPECIALLY considering the twists and turns our economy has been through lately.  It is through God's Grace, and Grace alone that I am home with Cam rather than working today. 

Pure, unearned Grace.  Blessings have flowed through our families, we have been protected and shielded, it is TOTALLY God's Grace.  I wish there were a way I could pay it forward...some way I could ease someone else's burden and heartache surrounding this issue the way mine has been eased.  I'm sending a message out to all my working mom friends: if you ever get in a pinch, if daycare is closed and you have to work, if your sitter is sick and you can't afford a day off, I'm your girl. Call me, drop your kids off and they can play with Cam and we'll bake some cookies, watch Disney movies, and go over to the playground nearby.  And now, here are some recent pics of Cam: